Bitter Memories
by TimeGuardian
Summary: Beth is going through some dangerous emotions and bitter memories since the events of the episode "Love Lasts Forever."


**Bitter Memories**

Damn Mick St. John and his morals.

Josh laid there bleeding to death in the middle of Griffith Park and Mick did everything he could, except for the one thing that could guarantee his survival. I asked him to turn Josh into a vampire for me to save him. If he ever felt anything for me, Mick should have done it!

My heart fell to my feet as Mick shook his head and stated simply. "Beth, that isn't living."

How could he say that? Mick goes through his existence helping people and living. Josh was ready to do the same thing, ridding the city of scum like Tejada.

Josh was ready to lead the prosecution's case against that man. Tejada, the head of a gang and the mastermind of several money laundering schemes – he had threatened my safety, making Josh back off, until I talked him into continuing the case. I knew Josh wouldn't be happy until he got that scum off of the street.

And for the first time in a long while, I had love and hope. Something rekindled inside of me, and visions of a normal life with Josh went through my head – at least that was until Tejada's goons kidnapped him.

When one of the surviving men was questioned later by police, he told them that they were only supposed to kidnap Josh and not hurt him. That admission leaves a sick taste in my mouth. I can't help but think if we hadn't interfered, maybe if we had approached this differently, maybe Josh would still be alive.

He WOULD still be alive if Mick had done what I asked.

I had always thought Mick to be my protector, my hero. He kept watch over me while I was growing up, I found the proof in his files the one time I got to go through his office. Most people would be scared out of their mind by that, but that is the only reason I can think of that I had felt safe all of these years - someone I knew was watching over me.

Now I almost wish that I had never known about you, Mick St. John.

Mick came by my place tonight, apparently to check on me. I thought he would get the hint when I didn't answer my cell phone. I don't want to talk to anyone. Hell, I can't even sleep. When I tried, visions of Josh run through my mind, pleading with me to help him.

I had been sitting in my chair, sipping wine and looking over the photo album. It had been special, filled with pictures of the two of us in happier times. Josh had always been an odd romantic at heart, having giving me that very album for my birthday to help keep our memories in. We even played video golf till all hours of the morning on our first date at the Rustic Inn, and yet that is the fondest memory I have.

I had to put the album down on the table as tears filled my vision. Life was unfair - so many opportunities wasted.

A part of me wanted to look at Mick as he stepped in from my balcony and yet I couldn't bring myself to do it. The one time I truly needed his help and he let me down. I will never forgive him.

I told Mick to leave, but he was never one to listen well to an order. He tried pleading with me. "Please, Beth. Just give me a minute."

What was he going to do, explain it all away, that it was all a big mistake? I reluctantly got up the courage to look at him. The expression on Mick's face told me that he was haunted, as well he should be.

As I figured, he started to explain himself. "I know you're angry with me for not turning Josh, but I didn't kill him. Huerta killed him. Tejada killed him. His JOB killed him. You can't blame me for him being gone."

And that is supposed to make me feel better about this, Mick? You tell me or try to rationalize with me that turning him would have been a curse. You keep spouting that rhetoric at me every time I ask you about your life. Ok, Mick, let's see if you can answer this question.

"If you hate what you are so much, why do you keep on living?"

Silence. That damning few seconds of silence before you laughed off the subject saying that you weren't really sure, then giving me that sob story that you were looking for redemption. Enough was enough, I had to know the truth.

"If you had done it, he would still be here! What if it were me lying there instead of Josh, seconds before death. Would you have saved me?"

This time there was no hesitation and there was no laughing the subject away. Mick looked at me squarely in the eyes and said. "I would have done the same thing."

There. I had my answer, but I wasn't any happier for it. I turned away from Mick as fresh tears fell from my face. Despair filled me as I realized that I had no one left to turn to. I lost the man I loved, and the man I thought I knew turns out to be a vampire who couldn't care less about how I feel.

I eventually heard Mick turn and leave. He didn't say anything. It's just as well, for all I have left now are my memories, right?


End file.
